Fuck You Starbucks!!

I never would have thought I could be the type of person to buy $4 cups of coffee. I have always been a devoted Dunkin' Donuts fan, and that was damn good enough for me. If I had the taste for something a little fancier, I had my Mr. Coffee espresso maker at home (purchased for a whopping $30) add to that a little Hershey's syrup and steamed milk and I was in heaven.

While working at the most wretched, vile, hate-filled, soul-sucking, morally-bankrupt, run by Satan himself office, I got into the habit of using my lunch breaks to the fullest. Another girl in the office had a thing for frappucinos from Starbucks, and we would often take trips there for the deliciously refreshing treat. They really do hit the spot on a warm summer day!

After the summer started to fade into fall, and the chill in the air grew, the frappucinos weren't as satisfying as they had been. I needed something hot to warm my insides, and yet full of enough sugar and caffeine so that it would trigger enough of the pleasure center of my brain so I could briefly forget that I was working for the Unholy One and being stripped of all self-respect and pride on a daily basis.

I walked into my usual Starbucks, and I noticed a new coffee concoction on the not-so-subliminal blackboard "Try a venti Maple Macchiato this fall! Pairs well with any of our $5 mini slices of dried out pastries"! I didn't know what the hell a macchiato is, and I didn't really know if I would love maple in my coffee, but I thought why not live on the wild side and give it a whirl?

I picked up my drink from the end of the counter, sniffed at the steam coming out, and that seemed ok. I took my first tentative sip, confident I just wouldn't love it like my dear frappucino, and then...

The clouds broke.

The sun shined down on only me, gods favorite child.

I was warm and fuzzy and so incredibly content.

What amazing genius put these flavors together to create liquid bliss?? I was instantly addicted to the macchiato. I made it a fairly regular treat for myself, heading to Starbucks once or twice a week (three or four in a really bad week) for my beloved potion.

Then, as could only be expected, the gods turned their backs on me. I stopped at Starbucks on a Saturday morning, foregoing my usual homemade mochaccino. I approached the counter with a big smile on my face, already tasting the warm deliciousness.

"Grande Maple Macchiato please!" I ask the counter chick, already thrusting my $5 bill at her.

Counter chick: "Oh, I'm sorry, we are all out of maple syrup. Those are seasonal, and we won't have any more syrup until after the summer."

Me: Mouth hanging open, look of abject horror so intense, counter bitch (she's a bitch now cuz she is depriving me of my caffeine drug) actually takes a step back. "But, but, how...?" I stammer, unable to fully comprehend the situation I am now faced with.

Counter bitch: "I love them too, I was so sad when they said we couldn't order more syrup."

Me: "How the HELL can you force people to become addicted to this over-priced coffee from heaven and then TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?!?"

Counter skank: (Yeah, that's right, I said it) "Well, uhm, maybe you would enjoy a 'blah blah blah blah blah'".

Who the fuck was listening to anything she had to say anymore?? I could care less what you think I might enjoy instead. Just like that damned Amazon.com, recommending me books based on recent searches or purchases. Frankly, I don't want you tracking my books like "Kama Sutra - The S&M Way".

So there it was. I was denied my sweet, sweet nectar. My comfort drink. My moment of bliss. I work at a job that most people quit after their first day, I am paying off wedding debt, my wardrobe is five years old, one of my few escapes is watching Heroes with my husband and scoring the occasional free pizza at my moms house. My life sucks pretty damn good right now, and now I no longer have my maple ambrosia to lessen the pain of reality.

Fuck you Starbucks. Fuck you.