You Don't Know It Yet American Express, But You Are About To Hate Me

Teehee.

Teeheeheeheee.

"Oh my god, this is going to be so cool!"

Teeheeheee

Me: "Stop doin' dishes and come watch this!"

Husband: "Whatcha doin' baby?"

Me: "Watch this!" *click* "We just paid our entire AmEx balance! One down, three cards to go!!!" (I do my celebratory Cabbage Patch dance)

Husband: "Oh, cool." (Back to the dishes he goes)

Me: (To the monitor showing my zero balance) "That's right you bitch, suck it!"

Oh AmEx...You evil financial institution of pain and slavery, you will weep now! Here's one customer you can't bleed at 16.99% interest compounded monthly, 24.99% for cash advances. HAHAHAHA!!!! Processing fees? Sorry, my balance is ZERO baby! Default interest rates? Never again you finance devastating fiend!

In just one processing day, you will know that I am no longer an open vein for your blood-sucking thirst!

I can already envision my mailbox overflowing with your "Pre-approved ZERO interest through December 2007!" letters. "Increase your credit limit with this exceptional offer through American Express!" Oh yes, they will come to me en masse, using every possible scheme in their arsenal to get me back. They will wring their hands, frantically trying to find a way to pull me back into the depths of credit card debt. They will assault me...five, six offers a month in my mailbox, emails glowing with their new rewards programs, phone calls from their telemarketing trolls expressing their gratitude for having had such a wonderful customer like me, and what can they possibly do to earn back my business??

I will ignore their letters, unopened, into the shredder they will go! Emails will be blocked and reported as spam! I will laugh at their telemarketers and give them a firm hanging up of the phone! Oh yes, they will toss and turn at night wondering how to lure me back into their clutches. "We've tried everything!" they will shout, imploring with their Dark Lord, the bank President, "She simply won't succumb to our introductory offers with the teeny-weeny-itsy-bitsy-can-only-read-with-a-Hubbel-telescope fineprint! She must somehow know that after July 1, her 0% APR will magically transform into 22.99%, compounded from the date of issue! What, Oh Evil One, are we to do?!?"

Dark Lord: "You must hit her harder! This is the time when we must double our efforts! Do you realize the tens of thousands of dollars we will lose over her lifetime? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WILL MEAN TO MY PROFIT SHARING?!?"

Minions: "You can't mean..But Lord, isn't it too soon for these drastic measures?"

Dark Lord: "Silence! You incompetent fools! Do you think I sit on this throne made from the flesh of the eternally indebted and damned by CHANCE?? You will go to the next phase immediately! You will call upon the henchmen of the Partner Program Division and sell, sell, SELL her information! I sense her fortitude is weakening, surely she will crumble under the weight of our hundreds of partner offers!"

Minions: (trembling) "Yes your Evilship, we live only to serve your command."

Oh Dark Lord, yes, you will weep when you find that nothing you do can control me any longer! I have been through the dank and oppressive tunnels of your hell and I have found salvation on the other side. I am protected now by common sense and a desire to be independently wealthy! A goal that I know can only be achieved by never again succumbing to the need to fill my life with useless, over-priced shit bought by money I don't yet have! My financial freedom is within my grasp and there is nothing your legions can do to stop me! So you just better run!

Run! Tell all the other creditors the un-indebted are comin'!

You tell 'em I'm comin'!

And hell's comin' with me, you hear?

Hell's comin' with me!!