My mom was 4'9" of pure Sicilian temper when I was a kid. Growing up, me and my brother learned real fast how to dodge flying spiked heels, how quickly you would have to dart left to avoid a solid silver belt buckle to the ass or head, how far under your bed you would have to slide in order to get beyond the reach of her three inch nail claws...yeah, we learned a lot of things during our formative years.
My upbringing was definitely based on a lot of the 1950's corporal punishment beliefs, and then a tad beyond. My mom believed that children were disciplined by the rod, and top that off with a healthy dose of her violent and unpredictable temper, we were kids that knew what a damn good old fashioned beatin' felt like. For example:
I complained once, when I was about seven, that the water my mom was washing my hair with was too hot. Her response was it's not too hot, and to prove her point, she smashed my face into the porcelain sink, shoving my two bottom teeth straight through my lower lip. I bled for about an hour. She apologized when she tucked me in.
If I did something particularly bad, like not put my school clothes away when I got home, she would strip me naked and drag me by my hair throughout our carpeted apartment, leaving rug burns down my back, butt and legs. She apologized when she tucked me in.
If I mouthed off and said I wasn't going to bed at 8:00, I was staying up to watch the Muppet Show and go to bed at 8:30, she would grab a large kitchen utensil or small (thankfully) frying pan and give me a few good whacks on the back. She showed me who was boss! She apologized when she tucked me in.
If I didn't like the way she was doing my hair (you remember those pigtails your mom would do to make it look like you had just had a major face lift?), she would pull out a chunk of my hair and tell me I should be thankful to have such gorgeous blonde hair, and how would I like it if it were all gone? She apologized when she tucked me in.
If I spilled something in the kitchen, and didn't clean it up before she noticed, she would grab my arm, pull it around my back, pin me to the floor and give me some real good wallops with a leather strap, or broomstick (whichever was closer) on my backside. If the spill was really messy, I was told to sit on on the radiator with a welted ass for an hour. She apologized when she tucked me in.
You may be scratching your head going, wait a minute...you have written before about your outstanding childhood, where the fuck is this coming from? I did have a great childhood, and I did also suffer a lot of pain at my mother's hand. The two are not mutually exclusive. My mom, aside from her absolute insanity that could pop up at any given moment, was a great mom. She put our needs ahead of her own, she made sure we were fed, clothed, and had plenty of fun things to do all the time. She read to me, she took me shopping for dresses, she colored with me on rainy days, she made me sundaes, she let me help her cook, she got me music lessons, she did as much as she could.
Still confused? I'll explain. My mom had a really shitty childhood. Her father was a supreme female-hating bastard. I firmly believe he is rotting in hell as I write this. He wanted everything in the world done for him and handed to him on a silver platter. He demanded that his wife and children be completely subservient to him at all times. They were there simply to make his life more comfortable. He would always have a hot meal, clean clothes, and beer in the fridge. He beat the shit out of my grandmother, my mother, and her two sisters as often as he felt the need to do so. He was also a big believer in corporal punishment as the ultimate form of discipline. My mom and her sisters never had a chance.
My mom grew up to be the abuser to her own husband and children. My one aunt ended up pregnant at 15 by a psychopath that she soon married, and he went on to kill their first born child. She was institutionalized several times, and reared six children who have all understood what electro-shock therapy is all about. Two of those children are still in psychiatric hospitals because they have both tried to murder my aunt in her sleep. My other aunt became a pathological liar and petty thief/con-artist. She was married for about six months before she accepted that she could never consummate the marriage or have any type of a normal relationship with a man.
Starting to get the picture of what my mom was up against?
For a long time, during my teen years and early 20's, I had a very violent temper. Small things would set me off and I literally felt like a time bomb. When I got angry, it was like my entire body would go red-hot. I would shake and tremble and I would start to see double. I even salivated a few times. Wasn't pretty, and not a fun fact to share with the world. But there it was, I was one violent chick. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, so I would demolish things. I would smash up my room, break down doors, punch holes into the walls...even took a sledge hammer to my own car. I came to realize that this was not going to be a way for me to live. I knew that I never wanted to be like my violent mother. When her temper was set off, there was no stopping it. It was becoming the same for me, and it scared me half to death. I didn't want to be the person that had no control over their own emotions, or the person that would one day beat the hell out of her own kids. That cycle had gone on long enough. So I changed. I decided then and there that my temper was not going to rule me like it had my grandfather, and then my mother. As time went on, my temper began to subside, and I began to find other ways to deal with my anger and aggression.
I know, you are still scratching your head.
Friends have asked me why I love my mother so much now, why it doesn't piss me off that she did the horrible things that she did. It's because I forgive her. It's because I don't want to hate my mother, and I sure as hell don't want to blame her for the rest of my life for the things that I have, or will do, wrong.
Yes, my mother had this one horrible part of her personality, her violent temper. That doesn't block out everything else she was. I can remember how she was then almost as two separate people. The loving mom who would stroke my head to help me fall asleep after a bad dream, the mom who would say she was taking me for ice cream and surprise! We would end up at the amusement park instead! The mom who helped me every day with my homework. The mom who taught me how to be a good person. Then, of course, there was the mom who you had to outrun because she had a huge-ass metal spatula, and she knew how to use it!!
Just a few years ago, my mother had heard my brother say something about spanking his young son for something he had done. She went nuts. "Don't you EVER lay a hand on that boy! You NEVER HIT CHILDREN!" I stood there, motionless, jaw dropped to the floor. I finally was able to speak and said "what the FUCK are YOU talking about?" She looked at me like I had an unborn fetus growing out of my head.
"Mom", I said, "You used to beat me and my brother like gold would shoot out of our asses if you hit us enough."
My mother burst into tears. "How could you say such an awful thing?! I never laid a hand on you kids!! What's wrong with you?!"
I continued to stand there, stymied by her unexpected response. I went home and called my father and asked him if I had imagined my years of abuse. Was something wrong with my brain that I had these memories that didn't exist?? My father quietly said "no, you are not losing your mind, your mother has just blocked out a lot of things in her life, and now she is doing it with you". I couldn't believe that my mother could not have remembered the way she was years ago. I couldn't believe that she could just alter her own perception, but she had. It was her way of dealing with the lifetime of shit she had never dealt with or overcome.
I felt so much pity for her at that moment.
For a time in my life, I too was usually a very good person, who sometimes had a very violent temper. It was then that I realized what the cycle was all about. It was then that I realized that what happened to my mom was not her fault. She endured a sadistic piece-of-shit father, and then went on to repeat some of his mistakes with her own children. I realized I would have done the same if I had not slowed myself down and made some real changes in my behavior. The cycle could only keep going if I allowed it to do so.
That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? What we allow ourselves to do? Yeah, I could wallow in the misery of my tainted childhood. I could scream "ABUSE!" and use it as a catch-all for all of the mistakes that I make throughout my life, but what does that get me? A miserable life that continues to wallow in the past. I prefer to take the Dr. Denis Leary stance of "Shut the fuck up. Life sucks, get a helmet!"
You don't get to control what is done to you as a kid. You don't get to pick your parents, you don't get to pick what lifestyle you are brought into, you don't get to pick what they believe or try to force upon you. All you get to control is how you deal with what you have been handed and then you get to make a choice, piss or get off the pot. I have known so many people that to this day, use their parents bullshit as a fallback for everything they've got going wrong with their lives. It enflames me. I have dealt with the same things they have, but here I sit, in my lovely home, with my awesome husband, life is basically a peach! Why? Because I CHOOSE not to sweat the things I can't go back in time and change. I was able to recognize the damage my mother had done, address it, and move on. Anyone can do the exact same thing, but I think that deep down, they love being the victim. They love being able to talk about how horrible their problems are and cry that their mommies and daddies did this to them. What a world, what a world!
Shut the fuck up. Here is a bit of advice to you whiny fucks that just can't let it go and move on. No one wants to hear your crap. We are all completely sick and tired of hearing about your childhood and what your current mental label is. Co-dependent, enabler, socially withdrawn, unable to commit, unable to emote...wah, wah, wah. No one cares!! You are a huge downer, and exude misery and desperation. The same thing I have heard from so many people is the "I want to be happy...." or "I want to be in a good relationship..." etc, etc, speeches. The only answer to that is ok, so go and fucking get it! If you keep talking about all of your symptoms, and all of your drawbacks, and all of the scars you have been left with, that is all you will get. Until you start being the person you want to be, and living the life you want to have, you are doing nothing more than making your therapist's mortgage payments. There is a statute of limitations on how long you can blame your parents for shit and stay in therapy. If you have been in therapy for more than a year or two, seriously, time to consider a new avenue.
There. That's my $150 an hour session for you. I should finish up my psychology degree and get my own practice. Give that bitch Dr. Phil a run for his money!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
My Niceness Won't Win Me The Prize
I went on a job interview just the other day. I really thought I nailed it. The job sounded great, I was able to answer all of his questions with confidence, ease, and a little bit of humor. We seemed to be on the same page regarding the position and what it would require. I gave him some great examples of what I would be able to bring to the table. It wasn't a hammer-it-out kind of interview, but relaxed and conversational. We spent about 45 minutes talking about the company and business in general. I was extremely excited about the opportunity and knew I would be able to hit the ground running. I was sure this job was mine!
I talked to my recruiter as soon as I was back in my car, and she told me we should have some feedback in a couple days. He wanted to wait until he had met with all of the candidates. I finally heard back last night and she had nothing but great things to say. "He LOVED YOU, thought you had outstanding skills. He was so impressed with your responses and your sense of humor." I immediately started to do the happy dance! Fanfuckintastic! I was sure I would be getting called back for the final interview.
Then she says, "But..."
But what bitch? Why is there a but? There should be no but!
"But, he felt that you were too...oh, how do I put this...nice. Yeah, he felt that you were very relaxed and easy to talk to and that might be a hindrance."
Uhm, hindrance? To what? To making clients happy? To having the ability to speak to people like they are people and not like a corporate drone? To having the ability to take on a massive amount of work with a smile and a great attitude? HINDRANCE??
I had nothing to respond to her with. What do you say to such obviously idiotic feedback? I didn't know if I should punch something or cry. How is it possible that I have such a great interview, and somehow manage to completely blow it by being NICE?
She said he was still on the fence about me, and wasn't sure if I would be brought back for the second interview. I was still in a mild state of shock and said whatever, just let me know.
I whined to a friend of mine shortly after that phone call, and he told me he would give me the male interpretation of what this guy was saying. Either he was intimidated by someone who could be professional but not tight-assed and is a retard for not seeing that as a positive in an employee...or...he thought I was too damn cute and friendly to keep his mind on work and his wife. So either way, I win, because now I know that he is too stupid to work for and I won't end up in a job I'll end up hating.
Ok, fine, I can see where he is coming from, and frankly, it's the only explanation that makes any kind of sense to me. I felt a little better after that. At least I didn't have to keep replaying the interview in my head wondering where the hell I went wrong.
Men, I love you, but damn, you have disappointed me today. Get over the ego and your uncontrollable erections and give the smart chick a job. A girl's gotta eat god damn it!
I talked to my recruiter as soon as I was back in my car, and she told me we should have some feedback in a couple days. He wanted to wait until he had met with all of the candidates. I finally heard back last night and she had nothing but great things to say. "He LOVED YOU, thought you had outstanding skills. He was so impressed with your responses and your sense of humor." I immediately started to do the happy dance! Fanfuckintastic! I was sure I would be getting called back for the final interview.
Then she says, "But..."
But what bitch? Why is there a but? There should be no but!
"But, he felt that you were too...oh, how do I put this...nice. Yeah, he felt that you were very relaxed and easy to talk to and that might be a hindrance."
Uhm, hindrance? To what? To making clients happy? To having the ability to speak to people like they are people and not like a corporate drone? To having the ability to take on a massive amount of work with a smile and a great attitude? HINDRANCE??
I had nothing to respond to her with. What do you say to such obviously idiotic feedback? I didn't know if I should punch something or cry. How is it possible that I have such a great interview, and somehow manage to completely blow it by being NICE?
She said he was still on the fence about me, and wasn't sure if I would be brought back for the second interview. I was still in a mild state of shock and said whatever, just let me know.
I whined to a friend of mine shortly after that phone call, and he told me he would give me the male interpretation of what this guy was saying. Either he was intimidated by someone who could be professional but not tight-assed and is a retard for not seeing that as a positive in an employee...or...he thought I was too damn cute and friendly to keep his mind on work and his wife. So either way, I win, because now I know that he is too stupid to work for and I won't end up in a job I'll end up hating.
Ok, fine, I can see where he is coming from, and frankly, it's the only explanation that makes any kind of sense to me. I felt a little better after that. At least I didn't have to keep replaying the interview in my head wondering where the hell I went wrong.
Men, I love you, but damn, you have disappointed me today. Get over the ego and your uncontrollable erections and give the smart chick a job. A girl's gotta eat god damn it!
Friday, April 6, 2007
I'll Never Understand Women
I've never had a lot of female friends. Being more of the tomboy, I didn't subscribe to the female 'pack' mentality. In each school I attended, I was fortunate to find one like-minded girl who I could really bond with, and that was enough for me. I got along with other girls, just preferred the company of guys because they always seemed more real to me. In high school, there were of course cliques, and that one elite pack of chicks who were 'best friends forever'...forever turns out to be as long as it takes for one of the girls to steal another girls boyfriend, or give up one of those take it to the grave secrets. I would sit with my friend in the cafeteria and observe their behavior. The elite group had a mile long table that could accommodate up to 20 best friends, and they were loud, obnoxious, and downright bitchy. They had really big hair, a ton o' makeup, and big smelly Louis Vuitton purses. The part I always enjoyed watching was when it was close to the end of the lunch period...one of the flock would gather up her things and head off to class and the moment she was out of earshot...
"Did you SEE the new jacket she bought?! Ohmygod, I would so not be caught dead wearing that piece of garbage."
"I heard her mom and dad are getting divorced, so she can't afford Cavaricci's...it's so sad to have to shop at The Gap."
"Well I heard that she was caught drinking with Michelle's boyfriend last Friday, and now there is a big fight with..."
And on and on and on it would go. This is what took place each and every time one of the flock left the group. It was time to pounce, degrade, and mock. And the best part of it all was that none of the girls ever thought the others were doing it to THEM when they were away from the group. It would just blow my mind that none of these girls could see that they were all available prey for the clique to devour at any given time, and not a single one of them was a true friend in any sense of the word.
CRAZY!!!
Seeing how girls behaved toward each other, when all their focus is set on is hair, makeup, boys, and who can be the biggest bitch to rule the group, kept me from ever wanting to be part of it. It doesn't really change as you get older either. If you were a girly-girl in high school, you are a girly-girl in your 20's and 30's as well. My female friend pool is pretty much nothing more than a wad of spit in a dried up lake. I lost touch with my best friend after we went off to college, and that was the last truly close female friend I have had. I missed her company, and hoped to find someone else I could relate to and get along with as well as she and I did. We were really like two peas in a pod, people often mistook us for sisters, and it was great to have someone you could talk girl shit to. My guy friends have always been awesome, but there are just those times you need the female perspective. So after many years, I searched for a suitable female friend.
I might as well have been searching for the Holy fucking Grail.
One chick that I met stands out in particular as a viable cross-section study of pure crazy. The fact that she was involved with my Unholy Boss should have been a big clue to run away, but I figured no female would subject herself to such cruelty and degradation without having a damn interesting reason. Turns out on this rare occasion, I was dead wrong. What IS IT with women taking infinite amounts of bullshit and abuse from men they claim to love?? While Crazy exhibits all sorts of neuroses...germophobe, complete absence of self-esteem, inability to see reality even when it is bitch-slapping her up and down the block, total lack of parenting skills...the one that really amazes me, and ties into the rest, is her accepting of her husband's constant and aggressive abuse. They are in a relationship that most people would walk on a mile's worth of hot coals and steel nails to get away from, and she does nothing about it. Let me break it down.
They met about 9 years ago, and Unholy Boss pursued Crazy for months. Devoted all of his time and attention to her, showered her with praise and sonnets of love, and the almighty credit card. She was instantly smitten. He was very charismatic and flattering, he was always available, always wanted her to know that he was so lucky to have met her. Who wouldn't fall head over heels? After just a short courtship however, his attitude began to change. She started to see sides of his personality that weren't there before, started to wonder if he was always being honest with her. She began to wonder if he was involved with his ex-girlfriend again. The whirlwind was coming to an end and he was showing his true colors and she was *still dating him*. Even after she had confirmation that he had in fact been cheating on her, and even after he flatly denied it to her face, she continued to date him.
Then the girl genius got knocked up.
When he found out, he decided he would recommit to his new 'family' and become a better man. Unfortunately, a sociopath is a sociopath until the day he dies. She never had a chance. They continued on their roller-coaster for years. They were engaged, they were separated, they were engaged, they were separated, she threw him in jail, then she took him back, then he bought her a condo so they could live separately, then she took him back, then she got a lawyer and sued for custody, then he bought her a new house, then she took him back, then they got married.
Anyone else feel like laughing hysterically or barfing at this point?
I spent time with her briefly, during one of their separation periods, when I thought for sure she was going to do what was best for her son and get them both away from this crazy animal. She gathered information to show the judge that he was unfit, she had financial records ready to prove he could pay an ample amount of child support, she had a great lawyer ready to go to bat for her. We spent countless hours on the phone and in the office getting paperwork ready. I consoled her as best I could, I tried to rally her excitement for a new life free of abuse, neglect, and misery. I tried to show her that she could stand on her own two feet and make a life for her and her son. That even if she didn't have all of her previous comforts and an affluent lifestyle, she would be ahead of the game simply because she would be free of a tyrannical asshole. She was scared, but seemed determined to make a permanent split. She read tons of self-help books, read up on how sociopaths operate, how they manipulate and exert power through systematical abuse. She had tools, she had support, she had a plan.
Then she married the fucking lunatic.
I was aghast. I was absolutely shocked and mortified to see someone who I once thought had some elusive inner-strength (based on the ability to stay with someone so crazy for so long) give up everything she had just worked for in order to not be 'poor' or alone. The only reason she is with him is because she is terrified at the concept of living out her days without a man beside her. Even if that man is a sub-creature straight out of Pinhead's Cenobite hell. She would rather give up all of her integrity, hope, happiness, pride, love and self-worth than be alone. That is a very sad state of affairs. Especially since her selfish decision directly impacts the well being of her only child. I recall hearing the Unholy Boss say something like:
"If your mommy and I aren't together anymore, then remember she is the one that ruined your life, and I will be dead to you!"
The kid was five years old.
If that isn't reason enough to get the fuck out for good, I don't know what the hell is. So I have to ponder....what is SO WRONG with this chick's brain and emotional capacity that she can't put anything ahead of her need to have a relationship with this guy? I mean, I see this all the time. I see horrible relationship after horrible relationship, and loveless marriage after loveless marriage, it is nothing short of an epidemic. Why do women insist on staying with someone that makes their life a chaotic mess? What do they get out of it?
You are probably expecting me to have some great theory or insight, and as much as I hate to disappoint, I come up empty handed. I am not without my own faults, and I admittedly dated some fucked up individuals in my time, but the difference is that I eventually LEFT THEM. One way or the other, I made a choice to take said asshole out of my life and out of my reality for good. I have stayed with people long past the point of them being a healthy contributor to my happiness...yes, I have stayed with someone out of fear of being by myself, being the lone person on Christmas when everyone is sharing the holiday joy. I hated going to parties where everyone was a couple and I got the "oh, you'll find that special guy one day!" look of pity. I fucking hate that look.
Eventually though, as we all should, I grew up. I started to evaluate what was important in my life, and what was going to make me happy. I also started to look a little closer at the couples that were flaunting their couple greatness. I began to see a lot of unhappiness there. I started to see how many couples have absolutely no business being together. How many couples feed off each other's worst attributes until they are just two very pissed off roommates instead of soulmates. I realized quite quickly that I did not have any desire to live my life that way. I would rather be on my own than be in a shitty relationship. I was no longer willing to settle. And that, I think, is what it comes down to for a lot of chicks. The idea that "well, I don't really love this guy, buuuut, it'll keep me from dying alone". That is unfortunate and sad. To sell yourself short out of fear of the unknown. To shackle yourself to another person in some grim hope that they will provide that thing you need to feel complete. That's about all it came down to for Crazy. I have asked her several times, why do you love this guy? She has yet to give me an answer.
I still talk to her on occasion and she tells me all of the horrible things he does to her, and how badly she is treated, and how miserable her marriage is. And I sit quietly and nod my head while I bite my tongue to keep from screaming "YOU ARE THE MOST PATHETIC FEMALE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!"
So my search remains fruitless. I find I am not so sad about it anymore. I still have a majority of male friends, and I really prefer it that way. Their motivations are much easier to understand...beer, boobs, sports, video games. Now that's a personality I can get behind.
"Did you SEE the new jacket she bought?! Ohmygod, I would so not be caught dead wearing that piece of garbage."
"I heard her mom and dad are getting divorced, so she can't afford Cavaricci's...it's so sad to have to shop at The Gap."
"Well I heard that she was caught drinking with Michelle's boyfriend last Friday, and now there is a big fight with..."
And on and on and on it would go. This is what took place each and every time one of the flock left the group. It was time to pounce, degrade, and mock. And the best part of it all was that none of the girls ever thought the others were doing it to THEM when they were away from the group. It would just blow my mind that none of these girls could see that they were all available prey for the clique to devour at any given time, and not a single one of them was a true friend in any sense of the word.
CRAZY!!!
Seeing how girls behaved toward each other, when all their focus is set on is hair, makeup, boys, and who can be the biggest bitch to rule the group, kept me from ever wanting to be part of it. It doesn't really change as you get older either. If you were a girly-girl in high school, you are a girly-girl in your 20's and 30's as well. My female friend pool is pretty much nothing more than a wad of spit in a dried up lake. I lost touch with my best friend after we went off to college, and that was the last truly close female friend I have had. I missed her company, and hoped to find someone else I could relate to and get along with as well as she and I did. We were really like two peas in a pod, people often mistook us for sisters, and it was great to have someone you could talk girl shit to. My guy friends have always been awesome, but there are just those times you need the female perspective. So after many years, I searched for a suitable female friend.
I might as well have been searching for the Holy fucking Grail.
One chick that I met stands out in particular as a viable cross-section study of pure crazy. The fact that she was involved with my Unholy Boss should have been a big clue to run away, but I figured no female would subject herself to such cruelty and degradation without having a damn interesting reason. Turns out on this rare occasion, I was dead wrong. What IS IT with women taking infinite amounts of bullshit and abuse from men they claim to love?? While Crazy exhibits all sorts of neuroses...germophobe, complete absence of self-esteem, inability to see reality even when it is bitch-slapping her up and down the block, total lack of parenting skills...the one that really amazes me, and ties into the rest, is her accepting of her husband's constant and aggressive abuse. They are in a relationship that most people would walk on a mile's worth of hot coals and steel nails to get away from, and she does nothing about it. Let me break it down.
They met about 9 years ago, and Unholy Boss pursued Crazy for months. Devoted all of his time and attention to her, showered her with praise and sonnets of love, and the almighty credit card. She was instantly smitten. He was very charismatic and flattering, he was always available, always wanted her to know that he was so lucky to have met her. Who wouldn't fall head over heels? After just a short courtship however, his attitude began to change. She started to see sides of his personality that weren't there before, started to wonder if he was always being honest with her. She began to wonder if he was involved with his ex-girlfriend again. The whirlwind was coming to an end and he was showing his true colors and she was *still dating him*. Even after she had confirmation that he had in fact been cheating on her, and even after he flatly denied it to her face, she continued to date him.
Then the girl genius got knocked up.
When he found out, he decided he would recommit to his new 'family' and become a better man. Unfortunately, a sociopath is a sociopath until the day he dies. She never had a chance. They continued on their roller-coaster for years. They were engaged, they were separated, they were engaged, they were separated, she threw him in jail, then she took him back, then he bought her a condo so they could live separately, then she took him back, then she got a lawyer and sued for custody, then he bought her a new house, then she took him back, then they got married.
Anyone else feel like laughing hysterically or barfing at this point?
I spent time with her briefly, during one of their separation periods, when I thought for sure she was going to do what was best for her son and get them both away from this crazy animal. She gathered information to show the judge that he was unfit, she had financial records ready to prove he could pay an ample amount of child support, she had a great lawyer ready to go to bat for her. We spent countless hours on the phone and in the office getting paperwork ready. I consoled her as best I could, I tried to rally her excitement for a new life free of abuse, neglect, and misery. I tried to show her that she could stand on her own two feet and make a life for her and her son. That even if she didn't have all of her previous comforts and an affluent lifestyle, she would be ahead of the game simply because she would be free of a tyrannical asshole. She was scared, but seemed determined to make a permanent split. She read tons of self-help books, read up on how sociopaths operate, how they manipulate and exert power through systematical abuse. She had tools, she had support, she had a plan.
Then she married the fucking lunatic.
I was aghast. I was absolutely shocked and mortified to see someone who I once thought had some elusive inner-strength (based on the ability to stay with someone so crazy for so long) give up everything she had just worked for in order to not be 'poor' or alone. The only reason she is with him is because she is terrified at the concept of living out her days without a man beside her. Even if that man is a sub-creature straight out of Pinhead's Cenobite hell. She would rather give up all of her integrity, hope, happiness, pride, love and self-worth than be alone. That is a very sad state of affairs. Especially since her selfish decision directly impacts the well being of her only child. I recall hearing the Unholy Boss say something like:
"If your mommy and I aren't together anymore, then remember she is the one that ruined your life, and I will be dead to you!"
The kid was five years old.
If that isn't reason enough to get the fuck out for good, I don't know what the hell is. So I have to ponder....what is SO WRONG with this chick's brain and emotional capacity that she can't put anything ahead of her need to have a relationship with this guy? I mean, I see this all the time. I see horrible relationship after horrible relationship, and loveless marriage after loveless marriage, it is nothing short of an epidemic. Why do women insist on staying with someone that makes their life a chaotic mess? What do they get out of it?
You are probably expecting me to have some great theory or insight, and as much as I hate to disappoint, I come up empty handed. I am not without my own faults, and I admittedly dated some fucked up individuals in my time, but the difference is that I eventually LEFT THEM. One way or the other, I made a choice to take said asshole out of my life and out of my reality for good. I have stayed with people long past the point of them being a healthy contributor to my happiness...yes, I have stayed with someone out of fear of being by myself, being the lone person on Christmas when everyone is sharing the holiday joy. I hated going to parties where everyone was a couple and I got the "oh, you'll find that special guy one day!" look of pity. I fucking hate that look.
Eventually though, as we all should, I grew up. I started to evaluate what was important in my life, and what was going to make me happy. I also started to look a little closer at the couples that were flaunting their couple greatness. I began to see a lot of unhappiness there. I started to see how many couples have absolutely no business being together. How many couples feed off each other's worst attributes until they are just two very pissed off roommates instead of soulmates. I realized quite quickly that I did not have any desire to live my life that way. I would rather be on my own than be in a shitty relationship. I was no longer willing to settle. And that, I think, is what it comes down to for a lot of chicks. The idea that "well, I don't really love this guy, buuuut, it'll keep me from dying alone". That is unfortunate and sad. To sell yourself short out of fear of the unknown. To shackle yourself to another person in some grim hope that they will provide that thing you need to feel complete. That's about all it came down to for Crazy. I have asked her several times, why do you love this guy? She has yet to give me an answer.
I still talk to her on occasion and she tells me all of the horrible things he does to her, and how badly she is treated, and how miserable her marriage is. And I sit quietly and nod my head while I bite my tongue to keep from screaming "YOU ARE THE MOST PATHETIC FEMALE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!"
So my search remains fruitless. I find I am not so sad about it anymore. I still have a majority of male friends, and I really prefer it that way. Their motivations are much easier to understand...beer, boobs, sports, video games. Now that's a personality I can get behind.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Why I Love This Shithole Hot Dog Joint
I am seriously pissed off at companies for luring you into their traps...they give you a GREAT product at a good price and then over the years as their popularity grows and they are feeling secure...BAM! They adopt the "screw the customer, take away the very reason we became popular in the first place and jack up the prices" mentality. I refer today to Cinnabon. I was at the mall recently and smelled the famous Cinnabon smell and thought wow, haven't had one of those in years, gotta have one! My brother used to work at one way back in the day, and brought home truckloads of leftovers and couldn't stand the sight of them for about 8 years or so. Excited about having a once-loved dessert treat again, I waited in line for the freshly baking rolls to come on out of the oven and have it served up warm and sweet to me.
Upon opening the box, I knew great disappointment was afoot...the roll was this tiny little thing sitting in the middle of the box. When Cinnabon first arrived on the scene, they could barely squeeze those honkin' rolls into the boxes and still manage to close the lids. I looked for the nice light brown toastiness, and saw only half cooked dough. The middle of the roll was sunken in and really, it was just a very pathetic sight. Desperate though to enjoy this ridiculously expensive thing, I took a few bites...the fact that it was not thoroughly baked was hard to ignore, and it was missing the distinct, sharp cinnamon flavor. Cinnabon was made famous because they used a high grade cinnamon that cost very big bucks. It is what gave the rolls that singular flavor and made you feel a little less guilty about spending $4 on something Pillsbury could squeeze out if it's ass in packs of 10 for under three bucks. Now Cinnabon uses the same cinnamon I can pour out the head of the little plastic-woman-cinnamon-shaker-thing I have had in my spice cabinet for like 10 years. You bait and switch bastards.
Upon opening the box, I knew great disappointment was afoot...the roll was this tiny little thing sitting in the middle of the box. When Cinnabon first arrived on the scene, they could barely squeeze those honkin' rolls into the boxes and still manage to close the lids. I looked for the nice light brown toastiness, and saw only half cooked dough. The middle of the roll was sunken in and really, it was just a very pathetic sight. Desperate though to enjoy this ridiculously expensive thing, I took a few bites...the fact that it was not thoroughly baked was hard to ignore, and it was missing the distinct, sharp cinnamon flavor. Cinnabon was made famous because they used a high grade cinnamon that cost very big bucks. It is what gave the rolls that singular flavor and made you feel a little less guilty about spending $4 on something Pillsbury could squeeze out if it's ass in packs of 10 for under three bucks. Now Cinnabon uses the same cinnamon I can pour out the head of the little plastic-woman-cinnamon-shaker-thing I have had in my spice cabinet for like 10 years. You bait and switch bastards.
I am so sick of great products turning to crap to keep investors happy. What about the sucker customers shelling out GOOD money for your garbage product? Oh that's right, once they are hooked and can be counted on to make future purchases, they don't matter for shit. Everything is for sale if it means maintaining your profit margins and pleasing your share holders.
Which brings me to why I so very much LOVE Gene n' Jude's.
Gene and Jude's is an institution in my city. When I spent a short time living in St. Louis and would visit my home town, I made sure to stop off before I got on the road so I could fill up my cooler and have treats the whole ride back. They have resisted making any sort of change at all, even as surrounding areas and businesses attempt to go a bit more trendy and yuppy-ish. The building has never been upgraded, renovated, remodeled, or refurbished. They serve the only three things they can make exceptionally well...hot dogs, fresh cut fries and tamales. You move like cattle through the line, give your order, stick out your money, and as long as you don't dare ask for ketchup, you will have no problems. You can stand at the counter that runs the length of the building and eat, or hang in your car - which I prefer because then you get to smell the hot dogs long after they have been enjoyed.
They have not changed a thing about the way they operate in 30 years of business, and that is exactly what people love about them. They can count on consistent, delicious food at a very reasonable price. I have gone in the summer, and seen lines of hungry patrons that stretched from the front of the counter, along the wall, out the back door, and around the side of the building. I have personally stood in line for 45 minutes to get a fucking hot dog and fries...and friends, it was worth every god damn second!!
I have no doubt that the owners of this hot dog joint are millionaires. They actually require two shipments of bread and potatoes each DAY in the summertime because they can't even store that much food in the back. I'd be curious to know exactly how many they sell in day, but I would be willing to bet it is in the thousands. They pay their staff very well...as they should consider they have no air conditioning, and it must be about 150 degrees working by those steamers in the middle of summer. They have little overhead, no fancy building or 'image' to waste money on. So the owners bank tons o' cash, the staff are well cared for, and the customers are happier than pigs in shit...everyone wins.
Great Product + Happy People = Huge Success
It amazes me that with all of the money corporate chains have to invest in research and marketing, none of them can figure out this not at all fucking elusive formula for success...but a couple of fat Dago's who love hot dogs can. I am so glad I never wasted money on college.
What Happened To Respect?
So my husband calls me yesterday whining about his social security statement and how pitiful it was. I was like what you bitchin' about anyway? Not like social security will even exist when we are old enough to use it. So that got me to thinking about old people, and about me being old, and then about me being old and poor and having to live on cat food. I hear that happens to the elderly more often than you'd think. God, I can't even stand to smell my cat's cat food in the morning, and I sure as hell can't imagine actually dining on it myself. Then that thought got me thinking about how the elderly are treated in general and then I got pissed off. So many young people in America treat the elderly like they are garbage, throwaways, and inconveniences in their vigorous pursuit of never-ending complacency.
Do you grasp the simple reality that the elderly are the very people you should be thanking for your ignorant, ridiculous, self-serving existence? Can it at all sink in that these are the people that survived the Depression, rebuilt the economy, suffered, sweat, bled and died so America could be the thriving power you all get to blindly enjoy on a daily basis? These are the men and women that build our railroads, built the homes many of us live in today, built the power line systems that bring you The Surreal Life, American Idol or whatever show created for the viewing pleasure of complete morons is #1 this week, built our sewer systems, built our emergency systems, built, well, everything?
It sickens me, absofuckinlutely SICKENS me when I see the elderly being mistreated and disrespected by todays' test tube youth. Hold a door open you whiny little bastard, pretend you are a gentleman. Give up your seat on the bus you IPod toting, ignore-the-world-as-it-moves-around-you fuck. Help out a senior in your neighborhood by giving them a lift to a doctor's appointment once or twice a month - many medical plans do not offer transportation assistance anymore. When you are at a stop sign, and you see an elderly person who needs to cross the street, don't just pause and then fly through the intersection as if you own the goddamn world. Instead, sit your pansy little ass at the fucking stop sign and PATIENTLY, with a smile even, wait until they are safely across the street. My god, are we all in such a huge rush to get to the next appointment in our pathetic lives that we can't slow down for a mere 30 seconds in the interest of safety and courtesy to another human being?!?
My father taught me, since infancy, that respecting those around you, particularly your elders, is respecting yourself. You are showing that you treat everyone the way you feel you deserve to be treated. You are doing the right thing. Period.
One day, like it or not, you will be old and your priorities and attitude will have changed. And when some foul-mouthed, disrespectful kid treats you like shit, you will have lost your right to bitch about it.
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