I'll Never Understand Women

I've never had a lot of female friends. Being more of the tomboy, I didn't subscribe to the female 'pack' mentality. In each school I attended, I was fortunate to find one like-minded girl who I could really bond with, and that was enough for me. I got along with other girls, just preferred the company of guys because they always seemed more real to me. In high school, there were of course cliques, and that one elite pack of chicks who were 'best friends forever'...forever turns out to be as long as it takes for one of the girls to steal another girls boyfriend, or give up one of those take it to the grave secrets. I would sit with my friend in the cafeteria and observe their behavior. The elite group had a mile long table that could accommodate up to 20 best friends, and they were loud, obnoxious, and downright bitchy. They had really big hair, a ton o' makeup, and big smelly Louis Vuitton purses. The part I always enjoyed watching was when it was close to the end of the lunch period...one of the flock would gather up her things and head off to class and the moment she was out of earshot...


"Did you SEE the new jacket she bought?! Ohmygod, I would so not be caught dead wearing that piece of garbage."

"I heard her mom and dad are getting divorced, so she can't afford Cavaricci's...it's so sad to have to shop at The Gap."

"Well I heard that she was caught drinking with Michelle's boyfriend last Friday, and now there is a big fight with..."


And on and on and on it would go. This is what took place each and every time one of the flock left the group. It was time to pounce, degrade, and mock. And the best part of it all was that none of the girls ever thought the others were doing it to THEM when they were away from the group. It would just blow my mind that none of these girls could see that they were all available prey for the clique to devour at any given time, and not a single one of them was a true friend in any sense of the word.


CRAZY!!!


Seeing how girls behaved toward each other, when all their focus is set on is hair, makeup, boys, and who can be the biggest bitch to rule the group, kept me from ever wanting to be part of it. It doesn't really change as you get older either. If you were a girly-girl in high school, you are a girly-girl in your 20's and 30's as well. My female friend pool is pretty much nothing more than a wad of spit in a dried up lake. I lost touch with my best friend after we went off to college, and that was the last truly close female friend I have had. I missed her company, and hoped to find someone else I could relate to and get along with as well as she and I did. We were really like two peas in a pod, people often mistook us for sisters, and it was great to have someone you could talk girl shit to. My guy friends have always been awesome, but there are just those times you need the female perspective. So after many years, I searched for a suitable female friend.


I might as well have been searching for the Holy fucking Grail.


One chick that I met stands out in particular as a viable cross-section study of pure crazy. The fact that she was involved with my Unholy Boss should have been a big clue to run away, but I figured no female would subject herself to such cruelty and degradation without having a damn interesting reason. Turns out on this rare occasion, I was dead wrong. What IS IT with women taking infinite amounts of bullshit and abuse from men they claim to love?? While Crazy exhibits all sorts of neuroses...germophobe, complete absence of self-esteem, inability to see reality even when it is bitch-slapping her up and down the block, total lack of parenting skills...the one that really amazes me, and ties into the rest, is her accepting of her husband's constant and aggressive abuse. They are in a relationship that most people would walk on a mile's worth of hot coals and steel nails to get away from, and she does nothing about it. Let me break it down.


They met about 9 years ago, and Unholy Boss pursued Crazy for months. Devoted all of his time and attention to her, showered her with praise and sonnets of love, and the almighty credit card. She was instantly smitten. He was very charismatic and flattering, he was always available, always wanted her to know that he was so lucky to have met her. Who wouldn't fall head over heels? After just a short courtship however, his attitude began to change. She started to see sides of his personality that weren't there before, started to wonder if he was always being honest with her. She began to wonder if he was involved with his ex-girlfriend again. The whirlwind was coming to an end and he was showing his true colors and she was *still dating him*. Even after she had confirmation that he had in fact been cheating on her, and even after he flatly denied it to her face, she continued to date him.


Then the girl genius got knocked up.


When he found out, he decided he would recommit to his new 'family' and become a better man. Unfortunately, a sociopath is a sociopath until the day he dies. She never had a chance. They continued on their roller-coaster for years. They were engaged, they were separated, they were engaged, they were separated, she threw him in jail, then she took him back, then he bought her a condo so they could live separately, then she took him back, then she got a lawyer and sued for custody, then he bought her a new house, then she took him back, then they got married.


Anyone else feel like laughing hysterically or barfing at this point?


I spent time with her briefly, during one of their separation periods, when I thought for sure she was going to do what was best for her son and get them both away from this crazy animal. She gathered information to show the judge that he was unfit, she had financial records ready to prove he could pay an ample amount of child support, she had a great lawyer ready to go to bat for her. We spent countless hours on the phone and in the office getting paperwork ready. I consoled her as best I could, I tried to rally her excitement for a new life free of abuse, neglect, and misery. I tried to show her that she could stand on her own two feet and make a life for her and her son. That even if she didn't have all of her previous comforts and an affluent lifestyle, she would be ahead of the game simply because she would be free of a tyrannical asshole. She was scared, but seemed determined to make a permanent split. She read tons of self-help books, read up on how sociopaths operate, how they manipulate and exert power through systematical abuse. She had tools, she had support, she had a plan.


Then she married the fucking lunatic.


I was aghast. I was absolutely shocked and mortified to see someone who I once thought had some elusive inner-strength (based on the ability to stay with someone so crazy for so long) give up everything she had just worked for in order to not be 'poor' or alone. The only reason she is with him is because she is terrified at the concept of living out her days without a man beside her. Even if that man is a sub-creature straight out of Pinhead's Cenobite hell. She would rather give up all of her integrity, hope, happiness, pride, love and self-worth than be alone. That is a very sad state of affairs. Especially since her selfish decision directly impacts the well being of her only child. I recall hearing the Unholy Boss say something like:


"If your mommy and I aren't together anymore, then remember she is the one that ruined your life, and I will be dead to you!"


The kid was five years old.


If that isn't reason enough to get the fuck out for good, I don't know what the hell is. So I have to ponder....what is SO WRONG with this chick's brain and emotional capacity that she can't put anything ahead of her need to have a relationship with this guy? I mean, I see this all the time. I see horrible relationship after horrible relationship, and loveless marriage after loveless marriage, it is nothing short of an epidemic. Why do women insist on staying with someone that makes their life a chaotic mess? What do they get out of it?


You are probably expecting me to have some great theory or insight, and as much as I hate to disappoint, I come up empty handed. I am not without my own faults, and I admittedly dated some fucked up individuals in my time, but the difference is that I eventually LEFT THEM. One way or the other, I made a choice to take said asshole out of my life and out of my reality for good. I have stayed with people long past the point of them being a healthy contributor to my happiness...yes, I have stayed with someone out of fear of being by myself, being the lone person on Christmas when everyone is sharing the holiday joy. I hated going to parties where everyone was a couple and I got the "oh, you'll find that special guy one day!" look of pity. I fucking hate that look.


Eventually though, as we all should, I grew up. I started to evaluate what was important in my life, and what was going to make me happy. I also started to look a little closer at the couples that were flaunting their couple greatness. I began to see a lot of unhappiness there. I started to see how many couples have absolutely no business being together. How many couples feed off each other's worst attributes until they are just two very pissed off roommates instead of soulmates. I realized quite quickly that I did not have any desire to live my life that way. I would rather be on my own than be in a shitty relationship. I was no longer willing to settle. And that, I think, is what it comes down to for a lot of chicks. The idea that "well, I don't really love this guy, buuuut, it'll keep me from dying alone". That is unfortunate and sad. To sell yourself short out of fear of the unknown. To shackle yourself to another person in some grim hope that they will provide that thing you need to feel complete. That's about all it came down to for Crazy. I have asked her several times, why do you love this guy? She has yet to give me an answer.


I still talk to her on occasion and she tells me all of the horrible things he does to her, and how badly she is treated, and how miserable her marriage is. And I sit quietly and nod my head while I bite my tongue to keep from screaming "YOU ARE THE MOST PATHETIC FEMALE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!"


So my search remains fruitless. I find I am not so sad about it anymore. I still have a majority of male friends, and I really prefer it that way. Their motivations are much easier to understand...beer, boobs, sports, video games. Now that's a personality I can get behind.