Why I Know You Can Only Blame Yourself

After writing that last post, I was tempted to go off on a tangent, but I cut it out at the last minute. I was afraid of sharing this, because it's an ugly little piece of my personal history. Maybe to a reader, it is not a big blip on the radar, but it's something that has stuck in my memory like a thorn. Some memories have some really big teeth, but at least this taught me about accepting responsibility. So I share this with the world, and perhaps it will give some of you pause.

I was in the third grade. My brother and I went to the same school, and at recess, I always wanted to be able to play with my cool older brother and his friends. I was nothing but a nuisance to them, so I usually played on the swings and watched hopefully for a signal that I would be welcomed into one of their games. One day, my wish had come true. My brother called me over to play! They were roughhousing with some of the other kids, doing their best middle school Badass, and they wanted me to steal one of the other boys' coat. I can't remember the names of most people I have ever met in my life, but I remember his. Miguel. He was a nice, but slow, kid. He got picked on a lot and I didn't particularly know why. And that day, I sure didn't care because my brother was actually including me! So there we were, running around the schoolyard like crazed chimps, and I had actually gotten the prize - the coat. I ran circles around that kid. He tried like hell to get it back. I remember, it was rather cold outside. I didn't care, the boys were cheering for me and my brother was smiling, and I was the luckiest little sister in the world. They yelled for me to throw the coat over the fence. Well, being the overachiever that I am, I decided to do one better. I saw a huge puddle left by melted snow, so I ran to it and tossed the coat in! Victoriously, I turned around to greet the smiles of my cohorts...imagine my surprise when all I saw were gaping jaws and stares of shock. I was horribly confused. I ran to my brother and said "did I do good??" He yelled "WHY did you do that?!?" But, I don't understand...I couldn't process what had changed. I turned around to see Miguel crying and shivering, picking up his soaking wet coat. I felt like the lowest creature on earth. At that moment, a teacher came up behind me, and told me to follow her to the principals office. I walked the walk of shame and sat with hardly a breath as they called my mother. She had to send my aunt to pick me up, and when I got in the car, the look on her face sent me deeper down my well of self-loathing. She was disappointed with me, and shocked that her formerly sweet and caring niece had done such a cruel thing. I sat in silence the entire way home. I waited for my parents to arrive, wondering what kind of punishment I would get, still seeing in my mind that cold, sad boy standing by the puddle. Many thoughts raced through my mind. Why would my brother make me do such a thing? Why would he want to get me into trouble? Why did he pretend like it would be a funny thing to do and then get mad at me for it?


When my mom and dad got home, they asked me why I did it. I said "because they told me to!" Surely I wouldn't have done so otherwise, and surely I didn't deserve to be punished for something they told me to do. My father looked at me and said "no one makes you do anything, you always have a choice. Even if you don't like the choices, they are still yours to make." My mother pointed out that what I had done humiliated Miguel. Didn't I see that? Well, yes, I saw that, and I felt so bad about it, but I also knew I didn't want to be punished. Especially for something *I* didn't really do. They left me on my own, to think about what I had done, and to figure out what to do to reprimand me.


It was a hard lesson for my young mind to understand. It's not easy to teach small kids right and wrong. Their egocentric brains have a very hard time looking past themselves, seeing that they have a direct impact on those around them. But after some time, it did sink in. I took that boys coat because I wanted to impress my brother and his friends. I did it because their acceptance meant a great deal to me. I did it because I wasn't thinking about what I was doing to Miguel, and how it would affect him. I did it because I chose to do it. I still think about it fairly often, and every time I do, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish to god I could apologize to him, even all these years later. I took my punishment and learned one hell of a lesson. What you do, you do on your own, and you will always suffer the consequences.


I am very thankful that I suffered that day, and choked on all of those tears. My life is my own, and the good and bad is within me to make and deal with. I don't want to blame everything and everyone around me, because that would mean that I was left without any choices. I may rave about the unfairness in the world, and the fact that things aren't the way I'd like them to be, but in the same breath, I will admit that if I don't actively do something to change it, I am just another piece of the problem.


Next time you want to blame others for your crappy lot in life, take a moment to ask yourself what you have done to get yourself to this point. What have you done to make it better? How have you made it worse? What choices could you have made? Maybe if we all stopped and spent more time looking inward, we would find the answers we are looking for, and see that the only person to blame is the one in the mirror.